Letter from My Wife

A letter from Noelle.

I am Jeff, My Wife is Noelle and John is my brother in law.

If there is beauty in everything there is ugliness also. If the is happiness in the world there is sorrow. If the are questions there are answers if the unknown is embraced there is Hope.

Jeff,

This is something I just wrote. I don’t know who I’m gonna share it with. I love you. I’m sorry. 

Cutting Off My Arm

 

John and Jeff and I just watched the movie, 127 Hours. John had this revelation afterward, that he shared with us, that it’s as if everyone faces the point in their life in which they must face a crucial decision to either stop living, or cut off their own arm in order to follow their unique destiny. Everyone has an “arm” to cut off. This arm is an addiction to an illusion, something you think you can’t live without, but is actually the thing that is holding you back from the life you’re truly meant to live.

 I’ve had a year of sinking deeper and deeper into depression and death of my true self, to the point where I am finally ready to face the truth that I know what my “arm” is that I must now cut off. I’m ready to see the thing I must face, the part of me that I must surrender in order to follow my true desires and destiny. The arm that I must cut off, is my desire for one man. One MAN to take care of me, to provide for me emotionally and financially, to be my home, to be my provider and protector and safety in this world, and to be everything I need. This dream that has become a destructive pattern, has kept me from my true self. I have infantilized myself, over and over, by attaching to men in marriage in order to fulfill a role that I was meant and designed to fulfill for myself.  

Jeff Page has come into my life to be the catalyst for freedom. He has offered me unconditional love and cosmic connection. We have grown together in ways that I never dreamed I could grow. We have bonded deeply, and we have journeyed together both in the dark and the light. There is so much love here. And there is also addiction and codependency. I have attached myself to him in my usual pattern, in ways that keep me from being able to be myself. I have hurt him deeply through this pattern and cycle that began long before him. We have struggled together, as we have tried in exhausted futility to build a healthy relationship that, at its foundation, is cracked and overgrown with suffocating weeds.

What now? I can’t think about what the future holds for me and Jeff. I simply have to let him go, as well as let go of the illusional dream of thinking that I am meant to have a man to take care of all my needs. Whatever true connection Jeff and I have, whatever possibility for the future, can not be realized without me facing the truth in myself of this addiction.  I want to learn how to take care of myself. To provide for all my needs, emotionally and financially.

 

I am asking for prayer, for this is the most scary, most painful thing I can think of. But I have literally come to the point that Aron Ralston came to: either die, or cut off the thing you think you can’t live without, in order to truly live. I don’t even know how to do this. But I know that each moment will reveal itself.  I trust in the Love that brought me to this earth, and the Love that will continue to guide me and support me, the Love that I Am. Please pray for both me and Jeff during this extremely painful and scary time.